The Weight Watchers topic this week was ….”Why we do the things we do….” Food Psychoanalysis!! D@mn, I rode my bike so fast to the meeting, I think I left a jet stream behind me on Old Bridge Turnpike!
However, I had a break down at the meeting, instead of a break through. Totally unexpected….but not wholly unpredicted. I’ve been feeling very very low these days. I suppose I hadn’t allowed myself to admit just HOW low. And, well…..when emotions grow too large for their container…..the heart relieves its pressure, through ….. tears.
Denise, the great leader that she is, always takes the temperature of the room. Folks this week were feeling , well…frustrated. I could relate. ALOT. I shared my feelings, like I often do…but this time, I ended up teary-eyed. I said ” I think I’m giving up, little by little.” My confession.
No, that’s not what made me cry. I was still solid at this point. It’s what happened next. Friends at the meeting started to praise me. They said things like…..”but Diane, you are so strong. You did a marathon. You are my hero…..”
That did it. That last little bit. I tried to speak, and what came out was something like this, “You use these big words…but inside, I feel so small.” Tears. tears. more tears. My heart runneth over…….. right there, in the middle of the meeting.
I pulled it together, through some borrowed tissues, and a kind hand on my shoulder. See, this is what happens when you stop believing in yourself. You f.e.e.l. the absence. The absence of the dream. The thing that fills your spirit. Even though my spirit has recently been invaded by frustration and doubt, it wasn’t until I uttered my confession….that I felt it leave me. Just for a moment. I was empty.
Without my dream…..the tears easily came. There was no glue to hold me together anymore. So, I fell apart… for a few minutes.
The beauty is…..my friends caught my pieces.
And so…hours later, back on my couch….. I begin again. Yes, I know. I’ve written that …. ohh, how many times? It doesn’t matter. We won’t go back and count. Because it matters not at all how many new beginnings I’ve taken. Another simple beauty of which I am keenly aware today… is this. Life gives us as many new beginnings as we care to make. And I think when my last breath is drawn in this life…. I want to have used up ALL my share of new beginnings. Every last one.
Ciao for now….Diane