my happiness project

my happiness project
When I wandered into this place again today, I knew it had been a long dark while. Almost a year. Wow. I’ve been unhappy longer than I’d realized. The only thing I know for certain is — it’s not going to get better unless I work on it.

The next year will be that work. My own little happiness project. LOL, that might sound like I know what I’m doing. Eh, long ago I leaned toward the belief that the best thing’s in life happen when you let gooooo…..when you don’t know what you’re doing. More than anything, what I need is to get my thoughts out of my head, and to start “doing” again. Maybe doing new things, old things, whatever things….but just doing, moving, forward momentum in my life, my feelings….and eventually I think that will move me toward my happiness.

I’m committing to a renewed habit to come here each day, and leave behind some feelings and thoughts. In the end, it doesn’t matter if anyone beyond myself ever reads them. I reminded myself how cathartic the act of writing has been for me during high and low periods of my life. I’m going to lean into it now, and if any bit of what I leave behind helps you…well, that is the gift of community. When you are low, you need the community. When you feel strong, the community needs you.

So please, come….go…take and give…to this community. Happiness….we’re coming for you.

Ciao for now, Diane

When Two Good is 3 good things

When Two Good is 3 good things

Around 2pm, my stomach starts to rumble for a snack. THIS IS GOOD!

It’s hunger. And this snackity expert (me, this girl right here) hasn’t felt that very often. Back in my “before” days when I was grazing constantly…it’s hard to ever f.e.e.l. hunger. Instead I often felt discomfort and shame. But that’s another story for another day.

So, yesterday was shopping, planning and prepping day, AKA Saturday. At the Publix down here in Florida, my husband Peter and I found a good thing. Well, it’s actually Two Good.

I walk the aisle with my WW scanner App AND my education on carbs. As a T2 diabetic person, my #1 job for myself is to eat well. Weight loss is a derivative. I OWE myself good nutrition. I’ve managed to regain control over my blood glucose levels, free of medications, and I want to keep it that way. I’ve made the progress I’ve made by making good choices. Along the way, I shed many foods that used to be staples in my diet. For instance, I rarely eat fruit these days AND its been forever since I’ve had a yogurt.

Back to today. It’s 2pm. I’m hungry. First move – make a pot of tea. See if what i am feeling can be satiated by a nice hot cup of #JOY.

No Go. Didn’t cut it. I’m actually hungry. GOOD Diane. You are actually hungry, so f.o.o.d. IS the appropriate answer.

I pulled one of these Two Good yogurts out of the fridge, opened the lid, slipped in the spoon and tasted.

Yes.

TWO GOOD will be my 3 small good things for today. But Diane, they are TWO good, how can they be 3 good things?

Well – here is how this yogurt sizes up on my 3 good things list for today.

#1 – It’s coconut. s.w.o.o.n. <3 <3 <3

#2 – It’s only 3 grams of carb and that is due in large part to the fact that it only has 2 grams of sugar in the whole thing! Very carb friendly for a yogurt.

and #3 – The entire 5.3 ounce container is only 2 Weight Watchers smart points. For COCONUT! Hey, all of you coconut lovers out there know, when you “ZAP” a coconut yogurt, you get ready for 7 points on average. I had to zap these three times in the store (um…and once more just now before I ate it)….I just couldn’t believe it. All this coconut yumminess for 2 points and I can make a good carb choice.

Two Good is my 3 good things for today. Maybe you will try it….but however you feed your hunger this afternoon – make good choices for yourself. You. Are. Worth. It.

Ciao for now….Diane

security is under-rated

security is under-rated

I woke up this morning, like every morning, in safety, security, warmth and comfort. Gratitude abundance!

Before I even opened my eyes this morning, I could feel the things for which I am grateful.

Today’s small things are warm, soft and fixed.

#1 – The safety and comfort of my bed. I perhaps don’t think enough about the women and children in this world who live without this…and what it must do to their sense of self and security in the world.

#2 – Sometimes when I wake up an hour or two too early, I reach out, eyes still closed, and find Peter’s hand. He responds and clasps his warmth around my hand….and I drift back to sleep. Peter’s love is a fixed mark and it grounds me to the planet.

#3 – Quiet mornings where my shuffling feet are the only sound in the house. I make my coffee and sit outside, listening to the birds for a few moments…waking up slowly. There is security in this quiet. Our world, in big places far away, and small neighborhoods nearby need more peace.

Find your joy….

Ciao for now…Diane

Bacon, eggs and avocado!

Bacon, eggs and avocado!

Those are my 3 things today. I’m grateful for 1) Bacon, 2) Eggs, and 3 )Avocado.

This combination is my breakfast most days. In some combination, form and function. G.O.N.E. are the days of a tiny yogurt and berries. Eating bird seed and drinking water to save calories and opportunity for a treat later in the day. Those treats would spiral me into sugar oblivion. I’ve learned that those milk and fruit options were also a trigger for me. Not a key to success for me anyway. Of late, I am following a low carb, keto type diet, with focus on protein and healthy fats. It’s working. What does “working” mean, well… firstly, I. AM. SATISFIED! I am full, satiated both physically and spiritually. Hey, don’t discount the spiritual aspect of food. The universe gave us taste buds, so life could be sweeter, spicier, full of flavor and zest. Add those things back into your life, but in a healthy meaningful way.

Conclusion….my 3 small things today fill me with g.r.a.t.i.t.u.d.e. I am HAPPY. And…I’m losing weight and gaining control over my appetite and choices. A+ Diane.

Ciao for now…Diane

Gratitude all around you

Gratitude all around you

Build a habit of finding 3 small things each day. Three small things that make you grateful.

I’ve been gone for too long. So my #1 thing I am grateful for is …You. The fact that anyone is even still out t.h.e.r.e. reading this, is amazing in itself. So thank you. Thank you for listening in on my internal dialogue. The self-imposed therapy as I work my lifelong problem to turn my critical internal voice into a friend.

So we’re here. On the other side of the pandemic. Or we hope anyway. The past 18 months…whew. When somebody finds that DELETE button…PUSH it twice, okay? Just to make sure. Well, actually, maybe I don’t want to delete ALL of it. Let’s go back to gratitude….because I found some things that Ive learned to cherish in the past year….things that have become more deeply important to me than ever before. I wanna keep those. So, let me get them out of the way, and into my treasure basket – THEN, you can push the button. TWICE, remember, hit it twice.

So #2 came in the form of technology. When we all began to hunker down and separate physically, we learned to use ZOOM and let people, friends, work colleagues, and even strangers into our homes. Yea, even strangers. For me this happened in my Weight Watchers meetings. When the Workshops in Maryland closed down, (eh- and NEVER opened again, Grrrr!), an opening in the universe brought me Denise and all my old East Brunswick WW friends on ZOOM! WOW! Gratitude in abundance. It’s Sunday morning at 9am on ZOOM, but o.m.g is it fun. Huh? Weight Loss Can Be FUN? YES! We laugh, we learn, we motivate, we comfort and encourage. We. Are. Friends. My #2 of small things IS that WW community. Still to this day, I have never found a place where I feel as comfortable. There is a green chair in East Brunswick that I miss So So much. But Sundays on ZOOM bring that green chair and the community that surrounds it right. into. my. home. Come friends, you are welcome here. I am really hoping this lasts forever!

Number 3, for today…is family. My daughters who have cuddled closer this year. My husband who remains a solid rock upon which I rely and yet (also) a soft place for me to rest and be safe. Thank you sweethearts….your love and closeness this year has meant everything. My mom and my sister in Florida….boy have they had their fair share (and then some) of tough times. I’m grateful for your resilience and your bravery. You are not alone. Your family , as small as we are, are around you. Rely on us.

So the task for the next while….however long this while may be…is to look inside your life and find the small things. In those small things, I believe, we will find peace, and comfort, and the drive to reach tomorrow…..and its 3 more things.

We’ll find happiness….3 small things at a time.

I’m here, loving that you are there! Thank you….be well friends.

Ciao for now…Diane

A new day with no mistakes

A new day with no mistakes

When my daughter Erin was a little girl of 7 perhaps, we stumbled across a tv show, Anne of Green Gables. Now I had read the book when I was a girl, but soon enough Erin and I had pulled the back sofa cushions off the couch, and we snuggled in under a blanket and fell in love with Anne and Gilbert. Perhaps we became kindred spirits of sorts. Week after week, we laughed and talked and enjoyed being together with these amazing characters. Anne was so relatable….equally for a 7 year old and her middle age mom. We promised one day we’d go to PEI together. It’s still on our bucket list, but I’m convinced it will happen one day.

Anne had a resilience about her that was intoxicating. Every day was a fresh beginning, with no mistakes in it yet. Reflecting back, her mistakes were harmless, joyfully innocent, typically well intended. Anne was the gift to Marilla and Matthew that helped them see the hardship of life through a softer, playful, unbounded perspective.

Mistakes. What of them. Nothing more than an attempt. A try. A stretch with good intentions.

Good thing, tomorrow will come again. And another chance, a new day with a blank canvas upon which we will paint our mistakes. Anne, and my 7 year old Erin, visited my memories today and brought beautiful perspective into the things that challenge me. I’ll try again, and again, and again. We’re blessed with another new day…..use it well friends. I know you will.

Ciao for now….Diane

weight loss is the side effect of being a bad@ss

weight loss is the side effect of being a bad@ss

Sometimes the universe is talking to you….and it takes a little time to hear.

This weekend, i heard this statement, “Weight loss is the side effect of being a bad ass.” I was getting dressed after a nice hot relaxing bath this morning, and it stopped me in my tracks.

This doctor I was listening to on Youtube went on to say….most people who are trying to lose substantial weight ask him, ” I hope once I lose it, I can maintain it”. But what he says in reply is…”Maintaining is the first step to re-gaining”. Whoa.

Yea. Apparently, we need to be vigilant every day. Whew, man….just the thought of that makes me tired. Aren’t you tired? Well, this doctor said, “yea…well…you can be tired if you choose to see living life that way. But instead, he suggests that we shift our mind, and reframe our goals. See life every day as exciting and feeding ourself as one very small part of it. That it’s not hard. We make it hard by how we choose to look at food and weight as work”.

What if weight was just not that important. Huh?

LOL, yea, um – that’s been my life’s work Doc. My weight.

But see, THAT’S exactly what I’ve been doing wrong. Weight…up, or down, or the same….is NOT the point. It’s how I’ve been living my life that matters. My weight is just a side effect of how I’ve been living.

Most significantly overweight people have other factors that have lead to weight gain beyond overindulgance and bad relationships with food. Some of us have confidence issues, and we should work on that. We hide in the back of the photo, or better still — we take the photos to avoid being in them at all. We hide in the back row of our lives. Silence our voices. Bury our feelings. Deny our strengths. Forget our dreams. Fail before we try. Is it any surprise that we doubt our abilities?

The advice to us is to find something, something to throw yourself into that will grow an ability, grow your confidence, potentially open a new door for ourselves….. and become a badass at it. I <3 this!

I think this is what running was for me. Running was such a surprise. How much I loved it. How good it made me feel. And how capable I became at it. Who knew…I could be athletic? When I lost running…I felt like I lost ALL OF THAT. But thank goodness I allowed myself to try something else. None of us are 1-and-done at a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g. You can have a fresh start any. and. every. day. of . the. week. Now, kettlebell workouts give me that same feeling.

I. Can. Do. A. Plank .

I LOVE BURPEES

I Can Swing 53 pounds.

Who Is ThiS Person?

I’m Me. I Am A Badass.

Or at least that’s how it feels every time I do kettlebells.

While in quarantine, the people who run our gym, David and Abby, have been producing daily workouts via Zoom. 2-3 times a day. It’s amazing really. #39MinuteWorkout is an incredible community of badass men and women who work equally hard at becoming strong for themselves as they work at friendship with each other. And the trainers, David, Abby, Drew, Betsy and Wendy care as much about your success as you do. They will believe in you when you feel weak and will call out how AWESOME you are when those burpees rock! It’s unique. I can say this because, if someone like me…someone who lacks confidence in her physical abilities, can join and assimilate with this group of incredibly strong people, without any fear of being the “last kid in gym class to be chosen to a team”….Oh you get me….then, this place is special. #NoDoubt

Peter and I were working out last Monday night on Zoom with our people...and it was hard. Hey – it’s supposed to be hard. Hard means we’re growing. Peter took a step away and took a break to drink some water and he said, ‘Baby, you’re amazing. You push yourself hard, every time”.

Yea. I don’t know where that comes from, but it’s true. I don’t feel competitive. In fact, I sometimes still feel that “I hope no one is watching me” feeling. I am a work-in-progress, but I do push myself. But, you know what, I always push myself. At work, on the job, as a mom, with my kids, at fun, at play. Why should this be any different? Just because being athletic is new-ish to me, doesn’t mean I wouldn’t go at it with the same intensity that I bring to other facets of my life. It’s just been an area that I never allowed myself to think of as mine.

Now I do. And that’s huge.

So, I’ve reframed my journey a bit. I think back to one of my last longer talks with David. He tried to tell me this months ago. He said, “at some point, my mind set had to change. I had to stop looking at weight loss as the goal.” Back then, I couldn’t think my way into what he was saying. Perhaps this time in quarantine at home has given me the time to just do it. I think I get that now. Weight loss is a side effect to being a badass. Whatever that means to each and every one of us. And whatever that means to us over time. How we do it will change, should change. Being a badass is the constant.

Right now for me being a badass means working out with kettlebells on zoom 3-4 times a week and feeling incredibly strong and taking walks in this glorious spring sunshine, and feeding myself food that makes my skin glow.

Weight loss?

I believe it will come.

But my goal? It’s to live this new life of other goals that drive up my confidence and improve how I feel and change the way I see myself. If I string those days together…..how can I not manufacture happiness?

Be well friends. Rest peacefully when you rest. And be a badass at what you love. Keep walking the journey until you find it.

Ciao for now…Diane

good medicine

good medicine

Social distance may keep you well, but activity, exercise will keep you sane.

This week, almost half the nation, employed in non-critical jobs, worked from home…or didn’t work at all. Trying to keep the world population from becoming sick with the COVID-19 coronavirus, is requiring drastic measures. Measures that are scaring people.

Will you or your loved ones get sick? If it happens, will you become one of the ones who end up in the ICU on a hard-to-find breathing machine? Or worse. Will your employer keep you on, or furlough you until this is all over? How long before this is all over? Even with all that has transpired already, has this even started yet?

We don’t know.

And that’s scary in itself.

When this all began in earnest about 2 weeks ago, I wasn’t self monitoring very well. I was calming myself with food. Eating my way through my fear and anxiety. The one blessing is that I monitor my blood sugars every morning and evening. I didn’t need to get on the scale, or attempt to squeeze into my jeans to know….Diane, you’re going down the wrong road. My blood sugars were signaling me. The return of my morning headaches were signaling me. And now more than ever is a time to be healthy. To stay healthy. To focus.

So that’s what I did.

It was easy enough. I just laced up my sneakers and went for a walk. Every day. Two times a day. Three. Whatever it takes…to let the fresh air into my brain…and chase the thoughts away. For a little while.

I work for a really great company. Trust me, they want hard work out of me, and they get it. But they also care about us, their employees. Enough to send an email to us, their employees, reminding us to take care of ourselves through this. Read a book, meditate, phone a friend, take a walk….was their advice.

Now that’s investment advice I will take.

My new routine has become…get up early. Check in, read and respond to critical email that came in overnight from the global offices, sipping my first cup of coffee. Then lace up, and go walk the trails behind my community. Breathe Diane. This coronavirus is out there. But it’s not here. Not in the air that you are breathing into your lungs, not in the oxygen that is filling our brain and cleansing your thoughts and your cells. Breathe. Heal. Let it Go. For 30 minutes.

Then, I go back to it. I work. I’m a leader, a manager, a mentor, a problem solver, an innovator, a thought leader. I work until lunch time…then I eat a small healthy meal of whole foods…and lace up again. Repeat the walk through nature, down and around the neighborhood. Sometimes I see a neighbor walking a dog, or a runner, or a cyclist. It’s remarkably quiet out there. People ARE staying inside. I just hope they aren’t locked inside their homes in fear.

Come out friends. Please don’t gather in groups. Still keep your distance, but it’s a big world. Come out into your little corner. Come breathe the fresh air and find some peace, some space, some sanity. It’s good medicine.

I can’t call it a habit. It’s only been a week of this new “non-normal”. But I see it for what it is….it’s my lifeline to staying sane.

Breathe friends….this will come to an end. And we’ll all come back together and hug the hell out of each other. Then begins the social non-distancing times! Good times. Nah….Great Times :).

Ciao for now….Diane

social distancing

social distancing

The world is having a problem right now….with this COVID-19 Coronavirus. But in a peculiar way….social distancing has made us feel closer.

Nothing makes our first world problems feel small, than a Real World Problem. I’m writing tonight hoping my biggest hopes that two weeks from now we are all breathing a big sigh of relief that the extreme measures we are taking now, will have worked.

Worked, by that I mean…delayed people getting sick, so we don’t ovewhelm the health care systems resulting in tremendous loss of life. Flatten the Curve, as we have all come to hear. But I also hope that the economic effects of the extreme measures of social distancing and sheltering in place dont have depression-like effects on our economy and those we love.

Peter, the girls and I are all working from home now. Nestled into “home offices” around our house, taking care of business inside our own coccoon of sorts. The car doesn’t leave the driveway unless Peter ventures out to the grocery store. Man – the Giant supermarket looks like the old Soviet Union. Shelves are bare of …..almost everything. The president says our supply chain is f.i.n.e…..G.R.E.A.T, even. Well, the store shelves paint an entirely different picture. We haven’t fallen into the scary abyss of hoarding. Not t.p., nor hand sanitizer (LOL, we don’t have any) and not food. We’re just trying to buy our normal groceries, but the sight of the store sure does stimulate the urge to grab whatever they have.

Around the world, some people are living like nothing is happening. It’s so weird. They are roller-blading in San Fran, the beaches are packed in Clearwater, Florida. But here in Maryland, there is a state of emergency. Schools are closed, gatherings of greater than 10 people are forbidden and neighboring states are sheltering in place.

It’s scary. I sure do hope the roller-bladers aren’t ruining this for everyone. Because that is what is at stake right now. Everyone. All of us.

We’ve all turned to Virtual as the real world. Our Facebook Friends are our only friends now. We’re watching each other meal prep and cook and homeschool our kids. We’re exercising to kettlebell workouts together on Zoom. My first Weight Watchers meeting on Saturday will be Virtual. I dunno what that means, but….we all welcome the chance to be together….enough to make us all willing to download whatever and give it a try.

We’ve been asked to separate. To social distance.

What it has taught us is…just how much we value each other.

We want our kinship, each other’s company, the health and well being of our families, the financial solvency of our businesses and livelihoods. We want the community which we collectively comprise.

Perhaps what Coronavirus will teach us when all of this is but a distant memory, is just how much our individual lives are sewn together with those around us. Now that Y.O.U are not there……it has finally dawned on me….that I miss you.

So peculiar….that it takes the separation and isolation from you to remind me how much you mean to me.

They say 8 weeks. Hopefully only 8 weeks. Will you have grown your hair by then? Will your kids be taller? Did you learn to cook while you were away? I don’t know much, aside from this one thing….. I will be home in my small little coccoon…..wishing, praying and sending all good thoughts to your little cocoon.

I miss you. You’ve never felt closer….now that you are so far away.

Ciao for now….Diane

the secrets I don’t tell anyone

the secrets I don’t tell anyone

I cried a lot today.

In the shower. In my car. Maybe it was good to let the sadness out.

When I’m doing really well….I believe the things I tell myself.

The secrets I never say out loud in front of anyone.

Hey, Diane….we’re going to DO THIS, and starting this year – you wont be the FAT GIRL anymore.”

The idea of being able to live some part of my life, as a normal size person, is important to me. I want to feel it…before I die.

When I’m stumbling, failing…I give up that dream, and the real secret comes out.

….NOPE, not gonna happen Diane. You. ARE. The Fat Girl. That’s who you will ever be in this life. That’s you.

The tears…..could water a million gardens.

Tomorrow, I will try again.

I will begin with an honest food journal. Something I abandoned a few weeks ago, when the downward spiral began.

This is fear of success.

I don’t know what happens after 197 lbs, so I’m sabotaging myself so I can stay in the safety of the place I know.

But, I don’t want to. I need to figure this out.

Start small, Diane. Start with honesty with food. It all begins and ends there.

Ciao for now….and thank you for catching me today. For helping me not stay alone in my sadness…

Diane