Today was all about remembering. Remembering why I started down this Journey in the first place. It was all about Becoming Strong.
Regardless of yesterday’s run, there’s no way I’ve been defeated at THAT. I can see that now — the day after. It’s OK that I had a breakdown yesterday. I’m still learning. And I have time. 27 days or so. That’s alot of time. Especially when my biggest Outstanding Task is to Chill…..and Stop Being So Hard On Myself. All the rest of the Hard Work is primarily done.
My hard work is going to carry me. The excitement of the day will put wind in my sail. The finish line will greet me, embrace me. I can see it, feel it, smell it, taste it, hear it…..I can touch it!
I read alot but Fear of Success today. It does fit me like a glove. It appears that a person who feels like their world is not in their control, but rather in the control of forces external to themselves – these people tend to suffer from Fear of Success more than people who feel they have direct control themselves. I think I learned at a very young age, (13 years old), when my Father died of esophageal cancer, that the world was out of control —- and I began to make very conservative, riskfree choices…in attempts to control….whatever I could.
I think I told you once before — I LIKE guaranteed outcomes. I LOVE the knowing. It just never dawned on me that “the knowing” was my way of creating safety for myself. Of organizing my world into a place where I could have consistency, and no more surprises….like losing my Dad.
Oh Diane, sweetheart….what a lovely, naive, child-like idea. It has taken you 46 years (almost 33 years since the loss of my Dad) to learn that no matter how risk-free I make my life…..Life is still going to be chaotic, and risky, and surprising, and w.o.n.d.e.r.f.u.l. in all of its unexpected glory.
I want to KNOW that this Marathon is in the bag. Part of me NEEDS to know that this thing is a certainty. But……..Life doesn’t work that way.
I’m going to have to face this Fear. This Fear of Not Knowing. And walk out on Race Day….NOT KNOWING….juuust like the other 24,999 runners. Because — regardless of whether they have run a Marathon before, or if it’s their first (just like Me)….as we stand there….waiting to start….they will be a little afraid too. We will stand there, a little afraid, together. Because — THIS thing — can’t be KNOWN until it’s DONE. And that’s how Life works, little Diane. And you will be OK. Because whether you reach the Finish Line running, or walking, or riding on a bus……Nothing can take away the STRENGTH you have built in the DO-ING of this thing. You Became Strong in the DO-ING, e.v.e.r.y. s.i.n.g.l.e. d.a.y.
You don’t have to fear the unknown anymore. You don’t have to fear taking risks, or avoid taking them to keep yourself safe. One way or another. Marathon or No. You are strong enough to deal with whatever comes in life. Don’t worry about it anymore. You are Strong Enough.
I’ll see you in the Castle Daddy.
Ciao for now…..Diane