To my dear little feet, – I owe you an apology

To my dear little feet, – I owe you an apology

A friend of mine, Dana, started a Running Group for some of our friends who want to Learn to Run.  A Beginner, slow-poke, Turtle type of Running Group.  Seemed too good to pass up.  So I didn’t!


I’m about 4 weeks into the Couch to 5K program again (yes – I wandered back to the couch.  So, it happened…so what.)   Anyway…it’s Mother’s Day today – and I met up with my amiga Yolanda at the High School track.  We were a brave pair — heading out to do our run — and besides…it was Sunday.  Sunday was (is) Runday, right?

Yea – right — I vaguely remember something like that.  In my faded, distant memory.  Ugh.

I digress again.  So — we head out.  Begin the run/walk intervals.  Week 4 asks me to run 4 mins, walk 2 mins, then run 6 mins, then walk 2, then run 4 more again.  Uhhh…..what can I say?  It.  Didn’t.  Go.  Well.  

Man.  I was so discouraged.  Disappointed with myself.  “What the h#ll Diane.  You’re not going to make it past week 4?  How the h#ll are we going to run, (YES, RUN) a 5K on June 6th if you can’t get past week 4.”  So I finished W4D2 walking.  Walking…like a L.O.S.E.R!  That’s how I felt.  (sad face 🙁   )

But the more laps I did around the track – I managed to climb down off my own back.  Here is the biggest, most important fact I need to accept.    I’ve slipped.  Backwards.  Alot.  Yea.  Landslide backwards.

The last time I set out to BECOME a Runner….I was 40 pounds lighter than I am right now.  That’s ALOT of extra weight to be carrying around.  Let alone trying to run with it.

Tonight as I write this – my feet hurt.  Both of them.  My left knee hurts.  It’s weak. It’s crying out to me that my weight is a big problem again.  “Don’t ignore it anymore Diane.  Please don’t.”  Knees talk to ya, you know.  Oh they totally do.  Go climb a set of stairs and tell me they don’t!

So I came to my blog tonight to revisit my past.  Yea,  I logged in and went back and read what I was feeling when I started Becoming the last time.  Back in November 2011.

[Moment of heart break] – gosh – I was so excited.  So giddy. So naively innocent about what I was going to do.  A little tear is running down my cheek right now as I think about how I let myself down.  How I gained back 50 pounds and came back here.  Back to being the Fat Girl, on the couch, who can’t run, whose feet and knees hurt and don’t even want to carry me to the mailbox, let alone to the end of a 5K.

Two years after my Marathon High — who knew — that this is who I would become.

Anyway — I have to shake it off.  I have to shake it all off.  Even the idea of running for right now.  I just need to Begin Again.  To Start right here – where I am.  Walking is my goal.  Walking and eating well.  I need to drop 20 pounds.  That’s goal #1.  Then I need to drop 10 more.  That’s goal #2.  Somewhere in there…..between those 2 goals…might be the point where I can begin running again.  Because I want to .  I want to go back to her.  Back to Runner Girl.

But tonight.  My feet hurt.  That’s the simple truth.  And I need to fix that.  I hit my FitBit goal of 12,000 steps, but I ate poorly.   Tomorrow will be better.  I just need to string together a whole series of todays and tomorrows……and that’s how I will Apologize to my Feet.

Ciao for now……Diane

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