I cried a lot today.
In the shower. In my car. Maybe it was good to let the sadness out.
When I’m doing really well….I believe the things I tell myself.
The secrets I never say out loud in front of anyone.
“Hey, Diane….we’re going to DO THIS, and starting this year – you wont be the FAT GIRL anymore.”
The idea of being able to live some part of my life, as a normal size person, is important to me. I want to feel it…before I die.
When I’m stumbling, failing…I give up that dream, and the real secret comes out.
….NOPE, not gonna happen Diane. You. ARE. The Fat Girl. That’s who you will ever be in this life. That’s you.
The tears…..could water a million gardens.
Tomorrow, I will try again.
I will begin with an honest food journal. Something I abandoned a few weeks ago, when the downward spiral began.
This is fear of success.
I don’t know what happens after 197 lbs, so I’m sabotaging myself so I can stay in the safety of the place I know.
But, I don’t want to. I need to figure this out.
Start small, Diane. Start with honesty with food. It all begins and ends there.
Ciao for now….and thank you for catching me today. For helping me not stay alone in my sadness…