I’ve always feared losing control. With food. With most things in my life. Surrender is letting go of perceived control over things you never had control of in the first place. Breathe……
I lost my father to esphogeal cancer when I was 13 years old. He was only 55. “They” say…when a girl loses her father at such a young age, she loses her sense of security. I can identify with that a great deal. I was so lucky. So lucky to have a mother who saved us. I mean that, she saved us kids. My mother was a child of the Depression Era. She left school at 17. She had her first baby at 18. She worked to feed her young family. Sometimes it was a can of Campbell Soup for 4. When my dad died, suddenly, after surgery that was supposed to save his life….I learned many years later that my mother was devastated. It makes sense that she would be….but she was devastated on many levels. Not only had she lost my father when he was 55, and she was 45. But she had 5 kids in the house. The youngest only 3 years old. And she had no career. She was a home maker. No driver’s license even.
My mom took jobs that saved us. She created a belief that we were safe, and loved. That we would be okay. Us kids went back to school. Tried to move forward. But my mom spent many years scared. Figuring it out day-to-day — how to raise this family on her own. It shakes me to the core to imagine myself there.
When I was 17, a junior in High School, everyone was talking about college. I remember my biology teacher asking me, where I was going to go to college. I told him – “I’m not going to college”. He was rattled. Here I was a straight A student, but I was lost in the world. My older sister went on after HS to work at the same company where my dad worked. My older brother join the Navy. This man, my bio teacher, took me by the scruff and taught me how to aspire. How to apply to college, how to get financial aid. I dared to dream…and went on to college. The first one in my family to do it.
Why is all of this relevant to my 54-year old present journey? I think (I think) it formed me very young to be risk averse. To make small calculated moves in my life. To ensure I had firm ground under my feet. To keep myself safe….in a world without my father.
I have an intimate relationship with control. A foundation in belief that if I maintain a safe place, a controlled world, that I can worry less. THAT IS THE BIGGEST LIE. Because all that I have been doing…ALL OF IT….has been about worry.
Control is the “perceived solution” to worry. They go together like hand and glove. Like peas and carrots as Forrest Gump said.
So as I begin this walk to BE….my first step is surrender.
To surrender this perception that I was EVER actually in control of anything. I still believe that I own my choices. Don’t get me wrong, we all pay the piper for our choices. What my surrender means is…that not every outcome is directly related to my actions. There is a world of mysticism, charm, luck, biology, magic and gravity out there that directs some of my outcomes.
And I’m going to surrender to it….let my choices guide me….and Be Here Today.
ps – Mom, your children are forever grateful to you. You saved us during a time when your world was so out of control….most people would have curled into a ball and cried in bed. I am my mother’s daughter…and you are my most precious blessing.
Ciao for now..