Woo-eee, he rattled my brain tonight.
Thursday night workout with Drew was just awesome. I worked hard, left full of sweat and accomplishment. Perfect end to a busy day.
I arrived early…just ….cuz. My mom used to say, “Diane, you were born 5 mins early…..and it hasn’t worn off yet!” Haha…it’s a personality trait. Well, being early today meant I had a chance to meet up with David. He said…come sit down, we haven’t talked in a while. He said, he’d been thinking about me.
Of course…I immediately fall into my own personal guilt trip. “Yea, I fell off the wagon last week, ate my stress, ….but I pulled it together David, I fixed me…I’m….bette…r…”
My words blew by him like a breeze, he paid them no mind. He and I were NOT having the same conversation, I was about to realize. He said…”I want you to learn how to just be.”
Um. Be What, David? What’d’ya want me to be. Cuz, I’ll get started on that right now. You assign the work and I produce. It’s how I’m wired….so….just tell me what’I’gotta’be…and…
But then it clicked. I was a little slow. I was already deep in my self-judgment zone. It took a minute to climb back up to street level, put away my guilt trip and be present with him. He wants me to stop driving.
Hi, my name is Diane. And I’m a driver. I drive. I have a drive. I drive myself, I drive others. In fact, I have a hard time “not driving”. Ask Peter. He’ll tell you. (Actually, please don’t ask him. Im not sure I’m ready to hear what he’d say….LOL)
I’m an all-or-nothing kinda girl. When I’m “All” in, I get LIT, in my brain, on an idea (a goal) and I’m like a stick of dynamite. I start driving myself like that dynamite is about to go off, and I have to GET THERE man. By now, after all these years…I should know how this story ends. I drive myself to exhaustion. Then I stop driving. I run outta gas. And then the “Nothing” part takes over and I fall back. Allllllthewaayyyybaaacktothebeginning…..
So David sits there in his chair. CrissCrossAppleSauce he called it…LOL . He was deeply reflecting and said I wish you could turn yourself off and Just Be.
Yea. Me too. Whew…. easier said than done.
He said he knew I was going to come to this point. This mental challenge point. I nodded. I knew it too. I’m about to that weight where I ran out of gas last time, seven years ago. That mental wall, where I can’t see over or around it. What’s over there? What does it feel like past there? How do I get over it, around it, how to I blow the d@mn thing up so I can keep walking my journey?
I left David…and I told him…”I was just about to tell you, I’ll have to think about how to just be….LOL, but that’s exactly what I SHOULDN’T Do” . We laughed it off together. Stop driving Diane.
But that’s my next thing. That’s the key to making the wall evaporate….
I need to learn to stop driving and just let myself be…
Deep breaths… Oxygen is Life. I’m a sentient being… and I’m not afraid. That’s a start…
Ciao for now….Diane