low, low, low, how low can I go….

low, low, low, how low can I go….

This day started at 630am with a gorgeous temp of 67 degrees……..Outside was calling me.  Gotta answer!  I set a personal goal to run a 5k this morning — I wanted to see how much faster I could run versus my first 5K last October 2011.  Even though I know my pace has improved….the answer to how much faster I was — is:  NONE, Zilch,  Nada.

Why NONE, you ask?  Well, for one very simple reason.  I Quit.

Yup, I couldn’t make myself run.  I didn’t even finish 1 mile.  Pathetic.  I started out with such HIGH expectations of myself.  The first half mile, my Garmin read 10:14 — I was doing great.  But then, I started to get tired.  I came down the street where I circle past my house, and my mind said — “go home Diane.  This sucks.”  And this time, I listened to her evil voice.  I just Quit.  and went home.  to sit on my Couch.  and that’s where I am right now, as I write to you.

Man.  I feel Low.  Belly dragging on the ground Low.  As I ran, I felt fat, and heavy, like I couldn’t bear to drag all my pounds up and down the street for 3 miles.  I stuffed my ear buds into my ears today, and turned up the volume.  Today — My Internal Coach stayed in bed.  And boy was I missing her.  I tried to drown out the negative self-talk that was screaming in my head with Adele…but it didn’t work.

Am I surprised?  Do I know what’s going wrong?  Well, Yes…and No.   Here’s the No part first.  I’m not surprised.  My weight has been climbing for 3 weeks in a row.  I’m off track.  I’ve lost my focus.  I’m feeling defeated. I’ve been eating like it’s the end of the world…….Something has clicked off, and I have stopped caring.  So,  it’s pretty near impossible to accomplish any goal you set for yourself….3 miles or 1 mile….when you are feeling defeated before you begin.

Ok, so here is the Yes part.  Once I get past how stunned I am by how fast it happened.  How I went from feeling good and strong — to feeling weak and defeated.   And wondering how I got here.  I begin to think.  To unwind the ball of yarn, tracing it back to when it started to tangle.  I suspect it has something to do with the fact that I’ve had a thought playing in my head for about a month.  Once the thrill of signing up for the Disney Marathon wore off, something else began to creep in and take its place.  This thought.  This simple, evil, dangerous thought.   ……“Diane, what are you thinking?  You can’t run a Marathon.”   Over and over….repeating in my mind as if on a loop.  A diabolical loop.  Brain washing myself.  Chipping away at my developing confidence, until …Voila, here I am!   Back on the Couch.  Spirit Broken.  And so…..as it turns out, Not only can I not run a Marathon, but I’ve convinced myself that I can’t run 3 miles either.

That’s how it goes with self-fulfilling prophecies — Whatever you Believe…Is what’s Gonna Happen.

I have to get my mental strength out of the gutter.  I’m not sure if I can do it today.  It doesn’t just SNAP back for me.  I have to work on my emotions today.  But WORK is the word of the day.  I’m going to Make It Happen.   I’ve decided to write off today’s run, and try again tomorrow.  Same 5K challenge, <hopefully> better attitude.  Today, I’m going to wait for Peter to wake up, and maybe I can talk him into going for a bike ride with me.  Maybe the wind in my hair will blow some of those negative thoughts clear outta my head.

Here’s for Hoping.  No, Nah.  Here’s to Working!

Ciao for now……Diane

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