……it’s no secret…..I’ve been struggling.
And knowing now — as a yellow —that my tendencies are to spend most of energy in my mental pursuits, rather than in my physical pursuits…..all I can say is — my brain is tired. I’m tired.
While my brain has been busy….it hasn’t been productive. Let’s just lay it out there. You want to know what my brain has been thinking about for the past two weeks? Ok. Here it is.
It’s been obsessed by how fat my @ss has become and how jiggly my stomach is again. Every d@mn minute of every d@mn day. Every time I zip my pants…which are incredibly tight, btw. Every time I squeeze into my increasingly tighter shirts. Every time I fight my spanx to the death to get them off at night. Every damn minute of the day. And I hate it. All it has done is made my pants tighter…because I’m eating my sorrows.
I’m mourning the loss of Marathon Diane. She’s gone. I’ve lost her……. and I miss her.
I have to snap out of this. I have to remember…..that I did this once before…just one day at a time. And I can do it again. I need to just start. I need to start DOING again. And stop THINKING and WISHING.
I don’t want to go to Weight Watchers. I’m going to cry when I see my weight. I made myself soooo many promises. And I’ve broken them all. I’ve broken my own heart. Again.
I’m going to let the tears come. Because I need to find the bottom of my sorrow about all of this. I need to find my fighter spirit again. None of this has turned out as I had hoped it would. I let myself believe that this time….I would lose it all, and reach my goal weight.
Breathe Diane. Breathe…..Breathe…
Ciao for now…..Diane