i’m missing you

i’m missing you

……it’s no secret…..I’ve been struggling.

And knowing now — as a yellow —that my tendencies are to spend most of energy in my mental pursuits, rather than in my physical pursuits…..all I can say is — my brain is tired.  I’m tired.

miss you

While my brain has been busy….it hasn’t been productive.  Let’s just lay it out there.  You want to know what my brain has been thinking about for the past two weeks?  Ok.  Here it is.

It’s been obsessed by how fat my @ss has become and how jiggly my stomach is again.  Every d@mn minute of every d@mn day.  Every time I zip my pants…which are incredibly tight, btw.  Every time I squeeze into my increasingly tighter shirts.  Every time I fight my spanx to the death to get them off at night.  Every damn minute of the day.  And I hate it.  All it has done is made my pants tighter…because I’m eating my sorrows.

I’m mourning the loss of Marathon Diane.  She’s gone.  I’ve lost her……. and I miss her.

I have to snap out of this.  I have to remember…..that I did this once before…just one day at a time.  And I can do it again. I need to just start.  I need to start DOING again.  And stop THINKING and WISHING.

I don’t want to go to Weight Watchers.    I’m going to cry when I see my weight.  I made myself soooo many promises.  And I’ve broken them all.  I’ve broken my own heart.  Again.

I’m going to let the tears come.  Because I need to find the bottom of my sorrow about all of this.  I need to find my fighter spirit again.  None of this has turned out as I had hoped it would.  I let myself believe that this time….I would lose it all, and reach my goal weight.

Breathe Diane.  Breathe…..Breathe…

Ciao for now…..Diane

2 Responses »

  1. Wow Diana. What a sad, sad story. And also so recognizable.
    I bought a book, unfortunately only in Dutch, but it helped me a lot.
    It shows you that you can eat everything you like without the eternal fight!
    It’s ” the secret of slim people”. What she did is , observe slim people , watch
    What they eat. Because we think that these slim people eat everything without
    becoming fat. But after observing them for a while it seemed not to be true.
    Like, this is typical Dutch, eating the cookie you get in all restaurants served by
    Your coffee ? Fat people eat it always , slim people don’t
    Her proposition is not, i can not eat that, but i can eat i but i don’t want to !!!

    And if you do this a couple if weeks ? It really helps ! In her book are all kind of dietdays
    But there are : chocoladedays/ italiandays/sunny summerdays/ fruitdays etc haha and quess
    What ? You loose weight if you follow the recipes of those days.

    It helped me a lot saying to myself that i can eat bit i don’t want to !! If you do that it becomes a habbit
    Before you know it.
    Just try !

    Ciao xxx

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