So – I ran a Marathon on Jan 13th, 2013! On that day, I was my lowest weight as an adult woman –> 197 pounds. I had lost 80 pounds between that day in March 2010 when I joined Weight Watchers and my Marathon day in 2013. It was a slow and steady process. Ups and downs. Haha….weight loss is NEVER a straight line down. If anyone ever tells you that — walk away cuz their ‘pants are on fire’! #LiarLiarPantsOn….you get it.
I am so proud of what I had accomplished that day. Marathon Day was amazing in itself, but what sticks with me is the memory of ALL those days of training. 16 weeks of running 5-6 days a week. Chewing up 6 mile runs before work during the week, and knocking down double-digit long runs on Sunday morning before the world woke up — only to land in an ice bath at home when I was done.
It was amazing. I felt amazing.
Looking back — I shouldn’t have done it.
What? You are surprised? Well, here’s why.
The reason is simple. Running makes you hungry!! LOL
So there I was — down 60 pounds, in the middle of my journey to cure myself of binge behavior (which I did NOT realize at the time — that was the goal that really mattered) — and I decide to run a marathon. Whew. Like my work wasn’t already heavy enough!
So, by taking on the running training program, it delayed my recovery from the binge ‘thing‘. During training, I could eat like a BEAST, boy – and still lose weight. I remember eating an entire lemon pie on Sunday afternoons. The running and ALL those miles allowed my binge behavior to flourish, hidden underneath the weight loss and the excess activity. I know now that some people call this non-purge bulimia. Where a person binges on excess food, and does not purge through vomiting — rather they purge through excess exercise. I didn’t know this at the time. I didn’t put 2+2 together. But it became extremely noticeable that I still had an eating problem on Jan 14, 2013 — when the running stopped (b/c I was exhausted)….and I continued to eat like a BEAST. So much of my weight loss was a charade. And the end result was …. a kind of depression that would last almost 3 years.
I spent most days from January 14, 2013 until about October 2015 feeling very lost. Like a failure. Destined to be Fat. To be completely honest – I gave up on myself for most of this time. Slowly, week after week, I continued to go to Weight Watchers — watching my weight gain … week after week. The main ‘lie” that I recall telling myself over and over again went something like this…….”Well Diane, that was IT. That was your STRONGEST YOU. If you couldn’t do it at your strongest, then it’s NEVER going to happen.”
That lie I told myself over and over again, as I allowed myself to drop every good habit I had created through Weight Watchers……allowed me to gain back almost 70 of the 80 pounds I had spent 3 years losing. My weight topped 259 pounds, only 18 pounds short of my all time high in 2010. Yea, Rock Bottom. I’d found it.
Add into the puzzle that Weight Watchers decided to change their program AGAIN — and I was just NOT wanting change. HA! Look out Diane, change is coming — BIG TIME. Just after Halloween ( you know….the Butterfinger and Reeses Peanut Butter cup holiday) … I lost my job of 14 years.
November 2015 was the start of a cold winter for me. But…..stay with me….the good part is coming. I’m about to learn just how strong I can be OUT of running shoes #ChooseHappiness365 199/365
Ciao for now…Diane