Did you know that “Ciao” means both hello and goodbye in Italian? Never more important than today. Ciao for now friends!
When I logged on today…I still remembered my password. Success #1. But then, wow….I saw in black and white that I abandoned this blog in February 2018. Almost 2 years ago. Wow. I apologize. To you….(if you’re still out there)…and to myself. This blog, this place…this blank space that I used to fill up every day…was/IS so important to me. I’ve worked out a lot of emotions, questions, struggles, fears in this place. Well. No lamenting what Never Was. The present is a gift, so here we go. Forward On.
I had an epiphany just now, in my closet…and it drove me back here. Yeah..gotta take those moments as the gifts that they are. So — here’s what happened.
Peter and I are going on a cruise in April. We are in the midst of winter here in Maryland, so my mind is craving thoughts of warmth, sunshine, ocean, water, swimming…. Add to this that I’ve been cleaning out my closet little by little. Donating clothes that are too big, and trying on things from 7 YEARS AGO that never fit until now with TAGS STILL ON. Yeah, I know. I’ll tell you all about it. There’s a lot to catch you up on. Anyway, back in my closet… I reach for this swimsuit. It’s a 2-piece. SAY WHAT?? Yeah. I must have been on a runner’s high when I ordered that online 7 YEARS AGO! (had to say that again….dreams die hard, ya know. 7 years to hold onto something).
I held it in my hand…those 2 little pieces. Size 16, not sooo little LOL, but little for this former PLUS size girl….and then it happened. There I was stripping off my jeans and putting it on. What was going through my head? So much. Everything. All the old thoughts. The ones I thought I had killed. The torturous words that twist me round and round all the time….”So Diane, we have 3 more months. Only 3 months girl. Maybe we can tighten up our plan, work out more, eat less….lose f.a.s.t.e.r….and maybe, we can fit into that suit for the cruise…in April….t.h.i.s. A.p.r.i.l. …maybe... Right? “
So I’m scared. How tight is it gonna be? How much blubber is going to spill over? Is April enough time? Is .. there.. ever.. enough.. time? I’m scared.
So….I try it on. And.
IT GOES ON.
Like, it slides right on, and it fits. No, no..I mean…that 2 piece suit from 7 YEARS GO, with the TAGS STILL ON…it went on my body. MY body. MINE.
I called Peter. I called my daughters. We stood there in our bedroom looking at me. In this swimsuit. Debating if I could actually wear this in public. You know…out in the world, where other people are. Like, where YOU are. LMAO.
So. In conclusion, it fits. The swimsuit I bought all those years ago, that has been in a bin since I bought it. I packed it and moved it to to Maryland from New Jersey. I’ve thought about IT, before, during and after every vacation I’ve ever taken in the past 7 years – the time in between when I first pulled it out of its package in the mail to…well, today. It’s been a powerful , d.u.m.b. piece of lycra, or nylon or whatever the f*** it’s made of, material.
But today…..it became so, well….unimportant. It wasn’t a balloon bursting. It was more like a balloon that was full when you went to bed, and flat on the floor like a crumpled scrap in the morning. There was my Dream Swimsuit….like a deflated balloon on the floor of my bedroom. YOU’RE Not So Scary. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!. Well….not anymore, anyway.
Because today is January 19th. Jan-u-f***-ary. And I’m going on a cruise in APRIL. Girl….YOU ARE GOING TO NEED A NEW SWIMSUIT! IN AN EVEN SMALLER SIZE. [KA-BOOM – MIND BLOWN].
Oh its so d@mn good my mind is blown. Because my mind has been my enemy most of my life….well, maybe only when it comes to my weight. And my belief in myself. But hold on Diane, did you really just use the word “only” in that last sentence? There is nothing “o-n-l-y” about ones BELIEF in oneself. Its not ONLY. It’s EVERY. as in EVERY THING.
So really….today, I realized…my goals are not my goals. What my mind has t.h.o.u.g.h.t. about where I am going…is not where I am going. All these years, in my head….I t.h.o.u.g.h.t. I was going to the place where I would wear that swimsuit, and be happy. I would be THERE. Whereever THERE was. At the END of whatever journey I have been on all-my-life! That’s where I t.h.o.u.g.h.t. I was going. But truly…I’m there. I’m already there. Right now. There is.., …here.
But H.E.R.E. is not a destination. H.E.R.E. is just a place for now. A Stop on the way. A dot on the board. A transitory moment in life. And what’s more amazing is……it wasn’t hard to get here. Back when I was “back there“…dreaming about “getting here“….”here” seemed like THE BEST and MOST UNATTAINABLE Place To Go.” It was so scary to think I might never “Get Here“, and I beat myself up so hard! So hard. So f***ing incredibly hard. And to realize now….that my goal is so much bigger than the scary place I dreamed up in my head. One day…not too far from today. “Here“, will be “back there!” Right? Right? MIND BLOWN AGAIN.
I feel so strong right now. I feel ready. Ready to go where I’m going. Ready to go, even though I have No Idea Where I’m Going. And I’m not going to run there. Nope. No more running. Not anymore. I’m not in a hurry. Who wants to rush through their life anyway? Not me. Not anymore. I’m going to go one-day-at-a time. I’m going to live. I’m going to LIVE my life “HERE”. Because HERE is a gift.
So come back tomorrow, and I will too. And I’ll tell you more about what’s been going on. I don’t know what’s going to happen. And for once, THAT is a very freeing feeling. Because if I don’t KNOW where I’m going, then I can’t DOUBT my ability to get there. How’s That for Freedom from The Mind!
Only one thing is for certain….This Girl Is Gonna Be Buying a New Swimsuit for April. #Happy #2020TheYearOfMe
Ciao and Ciao for now.!…Diane