I was tempted to call this post “My Comeback”! Because where ever it was that I went last week…..to that deep, dark place — where Oreo cookies are King and the mean voices pipe their worst thoughts straight into my mind….where ever that was that caused my 4.2 weight gain…..I packed my bags and left it and Came Back. Back to my life, and fighting for it. Because seriously….what other choice do I have. All the other options really really suck. Besides, being a fighter is Bad @ss, so…..
The week , my comeback week, was strong. Ohhh, doesn’t that word just give you goosebumps? Strong is yummy. My strong comeback week consisted of two 2-mile runs. Both outside. Both without iPod. (ooh, update on Operation iPod coming soon!!); Two 1.5-mile Interval Runs with a sprint pace of 7.5 on the treadmill, and 5.0 recovery pace. That angry dog is still chasing me, but I’m managing to stay well ahead of those teeth. He hasn’t caught my bloomers yet, and I don’t plan on him doing that any time soon! The last work out was an awesome bike ride to/fro the WW meeting on Saturday morning….a gorgeous summer morning after a rain storm, dodging puddles and squirrels and birds…..and cars. Sheesh people please……look out for bikes please, and slow it down a little. That cup of coffee or bagel you are racing to get ISN’T worth someone’s life. Really.
I call the week strong because I achieved every little goal I set out for myself. All of them, big and small. I pushed the up arrow on the tread and sped up the sprint to 7.5. Wow, that’s like an 8-minute mile. Ok, so it might only be for four cycles of 1/8th of a mile each, BUT……that’s a huge step up for me, and a sizeable incremental better than last week. I kicked the h#ll out of my nemesis, “the hill-that-is-not-a-Hill”, did I say TWICE! And lastly, I didn’t walk any fraction of any of my miles this week. God, did that feel good. I gave myself a ^5 out there on the sidewalk when I finished the first one. LOL. Ok, well in my head it played out that way. But I was ridiculously happy both times, because it was the beginning of that inkling of what is possible for me. Deep down in the fragile part of my subconscious, my new baby healthy Inner Voice is whispering, “diane…maybe we CAN run this whole thing?” Out there on the sidewalk, I told her joyfully….”I know sweetheart, I think maybe we can“. We walked home together feeling really amazing….and hopeful.
My thoughts have been so settled and satisfied. During one of our nightly walks with the dogs, my husband Peter told me that I seem very settled this week, a huge improvement from last week. I asked him what he meant. He said that most nights last week, I came home with my head hanging low, very down, very conquered. I knew what he meant as he said it. That WAS how last week felt. It was a chicken-and-the-egg situation. My work was stressful, and my food choices were bad, which made me feel lousy, which made work harder to deal with, which lead me to make poor food choices…..and on and on and on……. Isn’t that how it goes when you go to THAT place? When you pack your bags and go dark…..it all sort of mashes together and becomes lost. I’ve come to realize that it’s not work a lick trying to figure out the feelings that live in that place. Trying to figure it out only causes me to linger there longer, and….I don’t think much of what happens in that emotional hurricane makes sense anyway. It’s much better to pack back up, and go home……where the light of day brings clarity, and focus, and renewed HOPE.
Satisfaction is really the word of the week. Everything fell into place this week in all ways. Physically in the exercise, emotionally in my mind and heart, and also on the scale. As I got on the scale, I knew I’d be down. I could feel it. I was happy to take whatever it gave me — some incremental improvement over the +4.2 gain from last week. When the WW assistant told me I lost 4.6 pounds this week — I almost fell off the scale. I was instantly happy. But then…..the uneasiness started to settle in. I’ve come to realize, I don’t like these big gains and big losses. Gain +4.2 pounds one week; lose -4.6 pounds the next week. I WORRY that my fat cells are like little water or air pockets hiding in my butt and thighs….just lying in wait…for me to drink a glass of water, or take a deep breath…so they can fill back up again! Up, Down, Up, Down. That is T.H.E . W.O.R.S.T!!
So, my goal for next week is to try to continue the theme of Satisfaction. Eat to Satisfaction Diane, and not a bite more. Sleep to Satisfaction Diane, and not a minute more. Run to Satisfaction, Bike to Satisfaction, Love, Sing, Work, Rest, Laugh, Cry, Play…….all to Satisfaction. Don’t Over or Under Do it…and You will be More than Ok.
Drink a glass of water, and Take a deep breath. Those 4.6 pounds are gone forever as long as you stay away from the Oreo King!
Ciao for now….Diane