One day after naming my Intentions……and I feel somehow, …l.i.g.h.t.e.r!  Remember what they were??

I recognize now when I fall into my “victim mentality“.  Oh, you know this one.  “Whoa is me…..why am I fat and everybody else isn’t?  What did I do so wrong, that I was cursed to be fat?  Ack, I’m going to eat that gallon of ice cream, cuz it doesn’t matter….I’m destined to be fat anyway.”

Yea — that “victim mentality”.    Whew…I need a bath now, daring to get sooo close to that mess.

But, the cure for ridding myself of my victim thoughts, is ACTION!!!  And sure enough….just one little day after “Planting the Seeds of my Intentions”….and I feel l.i.g.h.t.e.r!!

So, let’s remember them together…..there were 3.  Three little Intentions for my life — that I believe will pave the path to my n.e.w. Destiny.  Here they are…..1-2-3…

1)  Learn how to calm myself, without using food.     This one is important.  I am a worrier….(lol, and a warrior), but right now I’m focusing on the worrying.   I have a stress filled job, and have always carried my stress around with me.  Over the years, I learned to use food as a temporary, (and easy and available) fix to calming my stress.  Oh, lots of down side.  Lots of down side.  But it never seemed to matter — “in the moment”.  The moment of my greatest need.   But the food fix only lasted 10 minutes before I needed to eat something again.  And again.  But — sadly — food was the way I learned “To Deal”.  Well — I’m ready to learn a new way “To Deal”.   I’m ready.

2)  Learn how to be alone, without eating in secret.   Ohhhhh — this one is easy to identify, harder to confess.  This one is really simple — but carries alot of shame.   Simply put — I have been on a diet My.  ENTIRE.  LIFE!  Which means…I’ve spent a large portion of my life — doing it wrong!  LOL.  I’ve spent too many hours withholding food — leaning too heavily on will power — and then beating myself up when I couldn’t bear the weight of it all.  So — I learned to eat in secret.  I learned to BINGE LIKE CRAZY when I was alone — because then, I didn’t have to explain it to anyone.  I only had to sit, in my pain, in my loneliness, in my v.e.r.y. tight pants…..beating myself up.  Such a H.A.R.D way to live.  Painful.  Shameful.  Awful.

It’s crazy that — even now — when my husband Peter leaves the house, and I am alone……the demons start to whisper to me.  Even still.   I could have been f.i.n.e. just 5 minutes before.  But as soon as I am alone……the ghosts come back to haunt me.  I can feel the anxiety level rising.  I’m unable to sit still.  It’s crazy, and I’m ready — to let this one go.  It’s over due.  I want to learn how to be alone with myself….and be Okay…..without food.

3) Learn how to be happy without trying to make everything perfect before I can enjoy it.   PErFecT is NOT the GoAL, DiAnE!   All and Nothing are WORSE than Something.  I can’t count how many times I have eaten everything in my kitchen because I slipped and dared to eat a 3rd slice of pizza.  It’s the F#CK IT! phenomenon.  (forgive my french).  But when you make one little mistake, it makes NO SENSE AT ALL to wreck it beyond all recognition — however THAT’S EXACTLY how we perfectionists “Deal”.  It makes no sense.  So again — I’m ready to learn a new way “To Deal”.

So one day later, do you really feel all that different Diane?  Well — no, not really.  It’s early days….and this is BIG STUFF.  But I did find myself taking more frequent deep breaths today.  And when I felt myself starting to over react to something I ate last night — I heard myself think — “Stop Overreacting Diane”.  WOW – where did that come from??  Two big wins — #1 I tracked the crazy thing I ate, AND had WPs to pay for it.  And then, #2 when I felt myself over reacting to the number in my tracker — I reeled myself in.

Small changes — but just the simplicity of it — made me feel l.i.g.h.t.e.r. today.

Like I put down some very heavy baggage I had been carrying for a long, long time.  🙂

Ciao for now……..Diane