When I tell people that my starting weight was 277.2 — they freeze for a minute, then when they come around, they usually say, “Wow.” That’s all. “Wow.” I think what they WANT to say is …. “How’d you let that happen to yourself?” That’s a good question.
A friend called me her “Hero” today. Ok, now that’s a “stop me in my tracks, and say WOW” kinda moment. A Hero? Yea, she said that I face my dragons head-on and pull out the fire extinguisher. Haha. And keep moving forward. Well…I guess that’s true. So I have to learn how to accept a compliment! Accept it Diane. Take the puzzle piece and add it to your picture. These gifts that friends offer ARE equally as important as the stuff you feel inside. Read that again! The gifts that friends offer ARE equally as important as the stuff you feel inside.
But it still made me go to the dictionary. I expected it include a reference to a cape, or bullet proof bat mobile, or something amazing! What I found, was simple, and elegant. And I loved it immediately.
Hero: A person who is admired for courage or noble qualities.
Gee. Is that me? Well, I decided to accept — that it was something I’d like to aspire to Be. So the shoe may not fit – yet – but I juuuuust might be able to grow into it. Maybe. It’s nice to imagine. So — I accept it.
So, if I’m a hero-wanna-be — then WHY in the world DID I let myself become 277.2 pounds?? I’ve thought about this alot. I’ve come to the conclusion, that I always Believed that it was my Destiny to be Fat. Yea, destiny. You know — what I was meant to be — from the moment I was born. I remember the picture of me when I was 5 years old. I was in a bikini. LOL, YES! My one and only bikini shot. And even then, what I could see the most is my belly. I was a fatty, belly girl even at 5. And every year there after. Destiny. see?
Believing I was Destined to be Fat…..was a crime I perpetrated upon myself for many many years. My Destiny was my enemy. My Foe. It’s hard to live your life with any chance of happiness…..when the days ahead are full of heaviness, full of shame, full of the weight of the world….represented by the weight of myself. What else was I Destined to do, with THOSE thoughts in my head 24/7, than gain weight, at a steady rate, every year, year after year. My beliefs were reinforced by dieting, and failing, and gaining more. My Destiny took me to my maximum weight of 277.2 — past all the imaginary lines in the sand I had drawn time after time. Never more than 200 lbs. Then Never more than 225. Ok, I will never be more than 250 pounds. For whatever reason, it took 2.2 pounds more than my 275 pound imaginary thresh hold, for me to allow myself to realize…..the truth. There. Was. No. Limit! NONE. At this pace….I would not live to see my grandchildren. I had to change my Destiny…..because my Life depended upon it. And my happiness depended upon it. And for the first time — I cared about my Life and my Happiness MORE than whatever Destiny I convinced myself I was branded with.
And so….I got mad. Really really MAD!
WHO The HELL Do YOU Think YOU Are DECIDING That DESTINY For ME??? How COULD you SENTENCE Me TO a LIFETIME Of THAT Kind OF Hell ON Earth??? days of Pain. nights of Shame. Years of Loneliness. months of Tears.
You, Diane — Are F.I.R.E.D! In the Destiny-Selection Department.
I’m venturing out on my own….with a Blank Slate. A fresh New Day. On the Hunt….for a new Destiny. One where every day is my Friend. Every day begins with the subtle touch of sunlight on my face. A face without tears, resting on a pillow. A pillow dry of tears, yet full of dreams. Dreams of myself, where I imagine new beginnings for myself. Where I don’t have to dream I am someone else…..in order to be happy.
My Destiny from Here….is my Friend. She’s perfect, enough. She’s honorable, always. She’s courageous, every day. She tries, everything. Here she is — my little Hero. 5 years old….in her bikini.
I may be 47 this year, but deep inside, I’m re-born again — as my little Hero. Ready to Live the second half of my life, out from under the dark cloud. Out from under the pounds and pounds I piled on the shoulders of this sweet little girl.
D@mn, if SHE was strong enough, and courageous enough to carry ALL the BAGGAGE I leveled on her shoulders all my life — well then Kiddo, YOU are my Hero. Sorry it took me 42 years to see you for the happy, normal, little girl you were. And hey — you ROCKED that bikini Kid!
New Destiny — Here We Come.
Ciao for now…..Diane
Diane, this entry moved me to tears. As I sat and gave myself permission to relax and read this, I ate my healthy, well planned and simple breakfast. It’s difficult for me to articulate but I completely understand starting with a fresh mind and perspective. No need for me to hang on to what my destiny was but better for me to live healthy and well everyday, creating the destiny I want. I felt the power of your words because I was actually living that healthy moment eating well as I read this. And it felt soooo good. Thanks for posting this.
I’m imagining walking into my Saturday AM WW meeting and passing the back row where you normally sit. Only this time, in the stark cold of winter, sits the mighty Diane, resplendant in her slenderizing bikini, setting the room afire with her hotness.
told ya…you were a hero. the dictionary confirmed it!:-) You were rockin that bikini too….LOL!!! I find no evidence of old bathing suit pictures in my house:)
You are an extraordinary woman . I feel so
Connected to you, though I really don’t know
You. All of our stories are different , yet the same. Diane…. You really are a hero! Not because you ran a marathon (which btw us totally awesome) but for this journey of self discovery you so brilliantly and poignantly share with us! I’ve said ur before and ur bears repeating I’m in awe of you!