“Get a Vision for Your Self and …..It Will Pull You Forward.” I just heard this on Oprah Life Class, of all places, but Gosh, this is so true! I could barely walk around the block, when my Vision was born. I didn’t own running shoes. I couldn’t breathe and talk at the same time. But already, my Vision had begun to change my life….simply because I dared to be brave enough to speak it. “I Am A Runner”.
The Life Class was all about Stopping the Pain. That all (or far too many) people live their lives in pain, some without even really knowing WHAT the pain is. Ahhhh geez, how I can relate. I KNOW my weight problem comes from my inner pain. But, I’m not truly sure what my Inner Pain Is. I Kinda Know what IT feels like. I don;t know what IT’s Name is. For a really long time, I focussed on this. I thought about it, and worried about it, and cried about it, and got depressed about it. And then I decided to Stop. “Please, just Stop Diane. This is just hurting you, and not helping you Love”. For my own good — I decided, I determined, I chose that Naming IT — DOES NOT MATTER! What DOES matter is answering one simple question —- “Diane, What Do You Want? What is it you Need?” When I made myself focus on THIS question — the answer came quickly, simply, softly. “I want Friends, I want to be Liked. I Don’t Want to Feel Lonely Anymore.”
So what does this have to do with Running? Well, Nothing and Yet Everything! So Here’s the Nothing Part. The LAST thing on my mind when I decided that “I AM A Runner”, was making friends. No way. Breathing, not falling down, and how big my @ss looked in my shorts — ALL those things was ALL I could think about when I started running. But, this Vision, this 20/20 sneak peek into my Future Self pulled me forward — as if I were tethered to it by a rope. When I could not (or didn’t want to) move forward — my Vision compelled me to move. I didn’t know why, by akready…..just in the simple, and ignorant act of speaking my Vision out loud …..I was emotionally connected to it. And when you are emotionally connected to something — you stay close to it, cherish it, you take care of it, and you give it your time. I began dedicating minutes of my day to my new Love, my Vision. One and two minutes quicj=kly became 10 to 15 minutes, which clustered together to become half hours and hours. And before I knew any better……I wasn’t just walking around SAYING “I Am A Runner”….. I was actually BECOMING One! Magic Sneaks Up On you Sometimes. And Getting A Vision for yourself….Pulls you Forward. It’s been the Journey of my life…..and the most ironic part is…..I didn;t even know IT was happening to me!
So Here’s the Everything Part! When I walked into Weight Watchers, the LAST thing on my mind when I decided to walk into that Center, was making friends. HA! No Way. People scare me. I’m always too worried that people will not like me….to be focusing on getting close to them. I would sit in the back, try to fade into the background, try not to be noticed. But…little by little ….I got to know people. Cindy and Russ were the first to embrace me. They bought me a card one week after I spoke up at a meeting and told some personal story about myself. The card was simple, pretty, flowers on the cover. But what lay inside was overwhelming. A simple phrase. “We’re thinking about You, and You’re Doing Great, Cindy & Russ”. I couldn’t help it — tears formed in my eyes. These two beautiful people, in their generous gift from the heart……gave me the thing I DOUBTED I DESERVED, They gave me their friendship……and the belief that I truly was Likeable. In that room, in that Weight Watchers Center on Saturday morning at 8am — under the great humor, compassion, and guidance of Denise —- a band of brother and sisters bear their souls, and share their strengths and weaknesses, and offer each other guidance, and support, and sometimes a swift kick in the pants! All appropriate and deserved!! In this room, I have found Friendship, and through the course of this process, and Running…..I am learning to convert food back into fuel….and to stop treating IT like IT was the only Friend of which I was worthy.
This journey from being overweight, to Weight Watchers, to Running……has lead me to a place where I can finally answer that question that caused me so much angst, and tears throughout my life. My Inner Pain is Named Loneliness. I don’t know how, I don’t know when, and I don’t know why — but most of my life I have shied away from people, and hid my heart from others, because I felt unworthy of friendship. I didn’t believe people would like me. I didn’t see myself as someone who people would choose to spend time with. I kept myself Lonely and made Friends with Food. Now that I’ve solved this life long puzzle…..I’m never going to think about it again. It’s done. This old Vision of myself is Done. O.V.E.R. All the figuring out…..didn’t really matter. It’s what I CHOSE to DO ABOUT IT, that really mattered. Without my New Vision, I probably would never have seen my Old Self as clearly as I can see her now. My new Vision is Pulling Me Forward……and the Not Knowing Feels Wonderful. I have confidence that where I am going is a GOOD Place. And the path is covered with genuine, lovely people who reach out to me and offer me their gifts of time, attention and support —- which has made such a difference in my life……and I’ll forever be grateful for these unexpected gifts.
Ciao for now…….Diane