I’m full of emotions of late. Rather than attempt to name them all, I’ll just categorize them into — NoT GOoD! I’m feeling Old. Ick — what a horrible 3-letter word. O.L.D. That’s the blackest black cloud I can imagine right now. Being old before my time. I’ve been trapped in this black cloud for the greater part of 2014. That’s the bad news.
The good news….when you stay inside of it long enough…you are bound to find the silver lining.
So I AM getting older. My children are growing up and are either in college or heading there within the next year. Time is indeed moving on. And I’ve let the past year just roll over me and flatten my spirit. My dream, of being healthy and active, slipped through my fingers. I’m 50 pounds heavier. I’m tired. I’m lazy. I’m back on the couch. My dream got old too….and it died.
So I went into mourning. I mourned my dead dream — which did nothing but help me eat more and sit more. I buried that dream so deep, that it had no chance to see the sun and revive itself.
And here I am on a chilly Sunday – the first of November 2014. Sitting on the couch, with my coffee. Alone in the house with my doggies. Watching the NYC Marathon. It’s Marathon Day! Thousands of amazing people…running to claim their joy. Joy they spent 4 months paying for. But today — it didn’t feel like work, even though the temps dipped low, and the wind was blowing hard. No, today — the Joy was bought and paid for in full — and they were here to claim it. Oh how I envied them.
God it reminded me of M.e. on Jan 13, 2013, when I ran to claim my Joy. So long ago….mmmm…but was it really? Was it so long ago? After a few minutes of tears gathering in my eyes…and then a few hours of feeling pissed off at myself for letting my active self die….I decided to try again. “You are never too old…to dream a new dream….” That is just about the best thing I’ve read, heard, felt, believed in a LONG time.
So — I don’t know what my new dream or goal is. But I decided today, that it is Okay not to know right now. All I have to do, is start getting ready for it. I’m going to get off the couch again. I’m going to C25K again. (Did I tell you I tried to do Week 1, Day 1 over the summer and it damn near killed me?) Uh..yea. Truth. But remember Diane…the beginning is hard. So g.d. hard. But, I’ve started at the beginning before, didn’t I? And it got better, didn’t it? I may need to remind myself of that over and over. Because my mind is already playing tricks on me. It’s back to trying to convince me NOT TO TRY. (Evil whispers like….“oh, but you are getting older now Diane…your knee hurts ALOT more now.”) I don’t know if it’s true or not. My knee does hurt. But does it hurt more than before? And won’t it get better as I lose weight again?
These are the kinds of questions you can’t answer by thinkin’. They only get answered by doin’ and tryin’.
So today…a new little dream is born. I don’t know what it will grow up to become. But knowing me, and how hard I work to achieve things I want…I will be proud of this new little dream…as it grows. I know it.
Ciao for now…..Diane