the rainbow that comes after

the rainbow that comes after

I think I had a panic attack today.  For me…..that means I was flooded with tears.  Uncontrollable tears.  A flood worthy  of Noah’s Arc raging through my heart, squeezing all moisture from my cells, and transporting it to my eyes….where my lashes could be bathed with it.


Why did it happen, you ask?

That’s the thing.  I don’t really know.    But here are the things that are floating around in my head.  In NO particular (or sensible) order….

1) I had lunch today with the 3 other ladies I am running the Baltimore Marathon with in our Relay Team.  They were all skinny.  I felt HUGE sitting there eating my salad with them.  Even my salad was bigger than their salads.  Ugh.

2) The pants I wore to work today felt so tight and uncomfortable.  I usually wear dresses or skirts to work, so those d@mn pants were just so…constricting.   I just felt….Ick…today.

3) 14 days till the Dumbo Double Dare.  19.3 miles over 2 days.  GULP.  Did I tell you that I’m under-trained??  I’m sure I did.   I’m dreaming about it.  Julia, I HOPE my spirit is big enough for me to pull this one out of.

4) I haven’t run in two days cuz I was travelling for work, and working looong days.  Grrrr.   Mr. Paycheck, STOP screwing with my schedule!  I don’t Like it!

5) I ate potato chips and a Butterfinger bar on the train heading home.  D@mn.  D@mn.  Bad Bad Diane.  Curse you oversized little pathetic salad.  You were NOT enough, even with your big leafy bad self!

6) My grey hair is peaking through.  Ohhhhh How I Hate That.  It makes me feel OLD.  I DO NOT LIKE FEELING OLD!.  Gotta get it taken care of on Saturday.  Appointment made.

7) My knee hurts.  Not a good sign.

8) My foot still hurts.   Another not so good sign.

9) And then, I’m tired.  Tired in my body and also in my spirit.  I need a pair of jumper cables to get my spirit back to life again.  Gotta add them to the Back To School Shopping list.

10) I’ve been holding in ALL these bad, sad feelings about myself….hoping they would go away.  But Gracias to mi amiga Yolanda for reminding me that feelings like these do not just go away.  I’ve gotta let them out.  And she is there for me.  So many wonderful friends are right there for me…….waiting to help me pick myself back up.  I’m so lucky.  Never forget that Diane!  Never forget how lucky you are!  No matter how tired you get.

And so….for some of these reasons…and probably many others of which I am not consciously aware…….I had a break down today.  I let it out.  Finally.  It just P.O.U.R.E.D. Out.  And because I did….I feel better.

The rainbow after the downpour.  {Deep Exhale}.

Ciao for now…..Diane



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