There’s an old phrase — “white knuckling it” — whiiiiiich pretty much describes how I spent last night.
The dictionary says…..it’s a state of abstinence that is considered to be difficult or unhappy. Yea – first hand knowledge (ME) — that it is! Difficult. Unhappy. Yep! But I think the phrase evolved from the need to “hold on for your life” during this period — and the sheer act of holding on soooo tight — causes one’s knuckles to turn white.
Well – Day 2 of my renewed efforts at being a Weight Watcher, and moreover trying to be a “clean eating” a.t.h.l.e.t.e, well…..I was holding on so tight with fingers and toes — that my toes were white too. Er, um — – do toes have knuckles?? Well — last night — mine did!!!
I got home from Baltimore, from the train, around 7pm. My husband Peter had dinner waiting for me. Broiled pork chop and roasted cauliflower. It was delicious. I took my time, l.o.v.e.d. every bite. When I was done, I could feel the anxious feeling starting. The NEED TO EAT was so overpowering. Popcorn. Popcorn. Cookies. Nuts. Popcorn. Goddamn, the thoughts were flying through my head like mosquitos in the summer night. I couldn’t swat them away fast enough, I couldn’t kill one before the next one bit me.
I went to the kitchen counter and I grabbed a heavy, juicy navel orange — went to sit down, and took my time peeling it. I peeled it for as long as I could. LOL. Like a surgeon, I carefully removed every bit of that white skin that clings to the orange. The time gave ME time, to relax. To try to purge my mind, and to slow my heart beat.
White knuckling it.
I ate that orange sooo slow. Licking the juice off my fingers. Enjoying how sticky my hands felt. When the orange was gone, I let myself sit there — not daring to get one foot closer to the cabinet with the Popcorn — I sat there until my stomach caught up with the information……We Are FULL!
The hardest hour of my entire day.
Had I not been re-Committed to M.Y.S.E.L.F….I coulda done ALOT of damage in that kitchen in that hour. ALOT, A LOT, A lot, alot, a lot….a..l..o..t…
White knuckling it.
It was difficult.
I was unhappy.
But I made it.
It’s the morning after, and I feel human. I feel lighter, because I have no guilt today. It’s priceless. Worth every minute of strength I had to put out last night.
I made it.
And you will too.
Just keep going…..
Ciao for now…..Diane