The past few days, I have felt out of sorts.  I’m going through a phase — the “I’ve lost my Mo-Jo” phase.  It happens sometimes.  No big deal.

But yesterday — it became a big deal.  Why?, you ask.  Mmmm. a number of reasons…mostly fear I think.  The days between today and Jan 13th are counting down quickly now.  So I have to work on not spooking myself as the weeks close in.  But I think I’m mostly affected by the dreaded January 1st that’s rolling in again. You see,  about 10 days ago — I weighed 203 pounds.  3 measly pounds away from that damn 200 mark that I’ve been eyeballing.  Then on Saturday — I weighed 205.   and then I made the mistake of getting on the scale yesterday, and it read 206.5.   {insert every curse word you’d never say in front of your Mom here!}

I’m so pissed at myself.  Why is this happening?  Oh, it’s no mystery.  I’m eating everything not nailed down.  But W.H.Y. is it happening??   It’s that Fear of Success thing again.  So last night, I begged God for help, ate some more, and put a cryptic sentence on Facebook — something about needing help and coming unglued.  I don’t know what I expected to happen.  I was just looking, searching, pleading for someone to put the Period at the end of this sentence — so I could go back to feeling Strong and Fierce again.  I don’t want to break now.  No, that’s not exactly accurate…..the honest statement would be — “I don’t want to break anymore.  not ever again”.  Once I realized, today, in the light of day — that what I was asking for was TOO much to ask for.  I started to feel better.  Not good.  not yet.  but better.

Diane, nobody gets that wish.  Nobody gets the gift of  “never breaking” .  You are asking for too much sweetheart.  And along the way, while you were focussed on the wrong thing — you missed the real gift.  The real gift?

Yea, Last night — on Facebook — my friends came to my rescue.  You know who you are.  Rich, and Mike, and Scott and Sara.  People, who have my heart, and my best intentions in theirs.  I’m not good at accepting help.  I’m not good at letting myself be weak in front of people.  I’m a solitary crier.  I go to the bath tub, or the shower where I can cry and mask my tears with the sound of running water.  That’s where I went last night — to fall apart — by myself.   The Old Diane….trying to resurrect herself.

With a good night sleep — I began again today.  I want to say a word or two to my friends — the ones who came to my rescue yesterday.  Thank you for reaching out to me.  Thank you for extending your hand to me — thank you for doing this for me — until I can learn to reach out to you for myself.  Because you are each what I needed these past few days — what I needed way more than the food I went back to.  I need to remember that.  I need to allow myself to be vulnerable — because by letting myself move through that process, with you all — I emerge so much stronger on the other side.  That’s friendship.  Wow.  I never GOT that before.  You just don’t get that from cupcakes and chocolate bars.  You just don’t.

So, January 1st is coming.  Ahhh, yes — it’s coming.  I don’t know where I will be weight-wise on that day.  I’d like to  promise you (and myself) that I won’t care.  But – (keepin’ it real), I probably will care every single year of the rest of my life.  Some things just can’t change, I guess.  Me and Bridget Jones.  But this year, I know this.  Today.  and every day.  From here.  To January 1st.  And Beyond.   I am better, happier, more content… for knowing you.  Each one of you.  You make the difference in how I deal.  And that’s sweeter than cake.  Thank you, for taking time to see I was hurting.  And coming to my rescue.   It was a small, HUGE thing.

Ciao for now….Diane