I failed today.  I set out to run 3 miles.  Just 3 measly miles.  As I came down the hill at 1.5 miles….I stopped.  I tried to talk myself out of it.  But it felt like it just happened.  Just like that.  I heard myself say, I’m stopping.  Then I did.  I felt ashamed.  I walked home from there, feeling like a failure.  Doubting my ability to do any of this.  Not 3 miles, and certainly not a Marathon.  I can’t do this.  Turns out — I was right.

I mean, of course I was right.  How else was it going to go, when I start out with the premise, “Let me run 3 miles today, to see if I can do it.” ? Um.  That thought reeks with DOUBT Diane.  Stinks of it.  Where is the confidence?  Where’s the excitement?  Where’s the joy? Where is the fighter?  No where to be seen.

Every run I take is blanketed in the FEAR — This is the one that proves I can’t do this Marathon Thing.  I’m setting myself up for failure, by looking at every run as the possible fact, the example, the PROOF, that I am in over my head.  Because this is sooo out of my comfort zone, this Marathon.

Brian reminded me, after I emailed him with my cry of shame, that I’m putting too much pressure on myself.  That the reason I can’t run 3 miles is because I believe I can’t run 26.2.  I need to think in smaller increments, and give myself room for these next 18 weeks to be about “learning”, “growing”, “becoming”.

Shut the perfectionist down Diane!!    She is annoying, and she’s causing trouble.  She’s a confidence eater!  And unwelcome!

So I’m shaking off today.  Letting it be a data point on the chart, a blip on the screen.  During my shower this morning I SWORE I would not eat my feelings today.  I was NOT going to eat myself into oblivion and ruin my Weight Watchers weigh in tomorrow.  So far so good.

This learning to run without walking is so tricky.  Part of my mental struggle is this.  I WANT to push myself to run all my miles.  I want to.  I believe I can learn to do it.  But what do I do when I just…CAN’T?   I know, I know….What You Believe,,,is What is Going to Happen.  My mind drives 85% of what happens out there.  If I give myself an out….and allow walking –> then I’m going to walk more.   But if I find myself in a position where I physically cannot run  all of it —> Isn’t it better to walk than to quit?  This last thought is how I completed the Half.  I pushed myself to run, but I allowed alot of walking.  Physically, I think I need to walk some of this marathon.  Hearing that, Marathon Brian would say — “then that’s what you are going to do — because you Believe it already — and you don’t even know what you can do — CUZ YOU DIDN’T EVEN TRY YET!”

Ohhhh boy.  Now you understand the screaming voices in my head.

I’m just going to finish.  Finish every run.  Whatever miles is required.  I’m going to walk if I have to.  I’m going to push myself beyond my comfort zone.  If I find the switch, I would be grateful.  I’m going to give it my ALL to try to find it.  If I can’t find it — I have to let it be OK.

Next run is Sunday.  I’m going to do 3 miles.  And get it done.  No walking.  No crying.  Fighting.  Fighting for this Marathon.  Fighting for my Commitment.  Fighting my Own Limiting Thoughts of Myself!

Ciao for now…..Diane