Author Archives: Diane

About Diane

Ciao! My name is Diane. I'm a wife, a mom, a working professional, and a Weight Watcher from New Jersey. I started blogging in 2011, at 45 years old, when I was training for my first Half Marathon at Rutgers on April 22, 2012. Since then, I've lost 80 pounds, completed my Half Marathon goal and gone on to train for and run my very first Full Marathon. On Jan 13, 2013, I ran the Disney Marathon in Orlando, Fl! What an incredible day. As the saying goes -- "The person who starts the race is not the same person who finishes the race." I am forever changed! So now we move on to the next phase of this journey! Come along. We're in this together!! Ciao for now!

You Had Me @ “you don’t have to give up dessert”!

You Had Me @ “you don’t have to give up dessert”!

When I read David’s post on 21043 Happenings, it spoke to me. For a long time, probably well over a year, I was “needing” something. Needing a new way to get active. But what do you do when you don’t KNOW what you need? You do N.O.T.H.I.N.G., that’s what you do. But I was done doing nothing. I knew what I should do was “try”. So I did.

I was home alone when I responded. It was a good thing. Maybe if I had someone to talk to out-loud…I might have talked myself out of it. My answer was. “David I filled out the form. Hoping to be chosen.” It was a 21-day summer trial for a kettlebell boot camp. But I think what really caught my eye was “you’ll get…..a community of women just like you.”

Those last words crept into my soul. Into the deep part of my brain. To the thoughts we rarely say out loud. “I need a friend”. Frankly, I had been missing the community of women I left in WW when I moved from NJ to Maryland. Most honestly, all this time later, I think a big part of why I eat my emotions, is from feeling lonely. From loneliness comes a deeper feeling of being unwanted, unworthy. When you are alone…you can tell yourself lies. All the warts seem bigger, your self-doubting thoughts get louder, your microscope pointed at your own flaws gets stronger. And the only voice you have nearby to listen to is the critical one in your head. The only friend….is the sugary snack that licks at your wounds like a viper. The little girl that ate Twinkies as her friend, sat up a bit straighter at the idea that she could workout, lose weight, get stronger ….. and make friends? I was sold.

So for $47 dollars, I made a promise to myself. Diane — you can do anything for 21 days. You can’t quit. Even if it’s hard. Even if it’s not your “thing”….like Zumba and Spinning weren’t your “thing”. Don’t quit. Don’t quit. You Ran A Marathon. Don’t Quit.

When David called me that weekend, he was so…..encouraging. He didn;t promise me anything. He just offered me an approach he felt confident about. I think he was trying to determine if I was more talk than action. At the end of the 20 minutes or so……I KNEW I was a.c.t.i.o.n. I KNEW it. Don’t ask me how. It was something about the calm, assuredness in David’s words, his approach, the experience he had had with women in their mid years. I was going to do this thing, this kettlebell workout thing. I was locked in. Right there. Right then. 21 days.

That weekend I went back to Weight Watchers and re-joined. I got on the scale 16 pounds heavier than when I quit. THINK ABOUT THAT WHEN YOU CONSIDER QUITTING! If you think quitting weight monitoring is EVER going to be a positive outcome, I’ll give you a $100 bucks if you ever show me someone who rejoined Weight Watchers lighter than when they quit. Offer stand. I digress, ..I was back on a path. A path toward something new. Something that scared me. Something I didn’t know I could do. But I knew M.E. I was a.c.t.i.o.n.

Up in my bedroom closet I had two 5 pound dumb-bells and 1 10lb kettlebell, all three bought for me by my husband Peter as a Valentine’s present a few years earlier (at my request! Peter is no Peleton man!). At the time…I “thought” they would help me tone my arms. HAHA! A bit of foreshadowing….David and his wife Abby run a business together and they use 10lb kettlebells as door stoppers. That pretty little yellow doorstopper in my closet was as close to a kettlebell as I had ever been, but it would not play a part in my workouts to come. This 21-day journey I was about to take would be work. Good. Value driven. Hard. Fun. Result-producing. Work.

……And I didn’t have to give up dessert! 🙂

More tomorrow.

Ciao for now….Diane

2018 was a banner year, kinda, sorta

2018 was a banner year, kinda, sorta

If you are reading this, you came back! Thank you. Let’s catch up. Its been 23 months after all.

As I reflect back on my last blog in February 2018, I tried to tap into what I was feeling back then. Where was I? What was going on.? But the story is more about what wasn’t going on. Not only wasn’t I running…I was having trouble walking!

I was struggling.

I had gained alot of weight. I was trying to “rinse and repeat” how I had lost the weight the first time around. R-U-N-N-I-N-G. A lot, a lot of running. But this time around, I had a problem. My knees. They hurt. And not just the normal kind of pain that comes with running. (Haha, lets just pause, and read that again….haha. Yea. Truth. Ok, we move on). I had this nagging pain behind my left knee. Also a swelling. Something was wrong. For a really long time, I wasn’t listening to my body.

Reality was, I wasn’t only having a problem running, but it hurt to walk long distances too. By the time autumn rolled around, I was seeing an orthopedic surgeon and having all the pokes, and prods, and scans and tests. They ruled out arthritis – good. They ruled out any sort of tumor – good. But what I had was a meniscus detachment – bad. My meniscus totally pulled away and detached from my knee from behind. I couldn’t really walk. I had to address it, as much as I didn’t want to. The solution was s.u.r.g.e.r.y.

In November just after Thanksgiving I went into surgery to have a meniscus reattachment. I have all the pictures, but when I look at them, it looks like a someone landing on the moon. LOL . They drilled through my knee and reattached it from behind. Looking ahead, I had 8 weeks of sitting on my butt, allowing it to reattach before I could put any weight on it. 8 weeks of non-weight bearing recovery and physical therapy after that. Wow, this wasn’t going to be easy.

It went down just about as I expected. It was a tough recovery process. I went from flat on my butt in a totally extended leg brace – to two crutches – to 1 crutch – to back on my feet, with a noticeable limp. The PT folks were terrific. The surgeons get all the glory in these situations, but it’s really the physical therapists who get you up back on your feet again. I was really grateful. It gave me a new appreciation for two things:

1) Your knees are really important. I had a new appreciation for my mobility. I saw myself so u.n.a.b.l.e. to do anything by myself. I mean, Peter had to put a plastic chair in our shower, and help me hobble in there on my crutches, remove my brace and unwrap my wound, sit down. And only THEN could I wash my hair. Oh, you will have a NEW appreciation for how g.o.o.d. it is to wash your hair, when you can’t shower for 12 days after surgery. Then he had to help me get out and reverse it all — back into the brace. Whew….It was a journey.

2) The second, and most important thing that made an impact on me was how much harder everything was because of my weight. In those 8 weeks immediately after surgery, I felt 2X heavier than I really was. Everything was hard. Getting up and down the stairs in our home. Getting into and out of the car. Hobbling to and from the driveway. Now, warranted, I was in a fully immobilizing knee brace, and not allowed to even rest weight on my left leg, but still…..dragging myself around was hard. (It was more of a hop…really.)

I decided during those 8 weeks – I was going to change. I felt 70 when I was 53. What was I going to feel like AT 70? Was I going to make it TO 70? I’m not being dramatic. How often do you see Fat Old People? Think about it.

The scarier part came next. Once the crutches were gone and I hit the 6 month mark around May 2019, I was supposed to be better. “Back to normal”. But I wasn’t. My left knee was stiff. I had scar tissue that wouldn’t let me extend it all the way. When I went up and down the stairs, I could feel my knee catching on something inside, and it hurt. It wouldn’t glide. It wouldn’t Be A Knee. Then the terrible thoughts start…..“Maybe…I wasn’t going to be normal…ever again.” G.U.L.P. That just made me eat.

My surgeon told me, “take it easy. I don’t want you using it too much. No walking. Bike ride, swim only.” So for two more months, I rode my bike on a stand setup in the basement. It helped. But it wasn’t getting me the progress I wanted. So, I was becoming desperate, impatient, defiant. My anxiety, my nervous energy lead me to eat. I wasn’t eating well, I wasn’t tracking. I stopped going to Weight Watchers. I quit. I quit myself. I went back to drowning my emotions in sugar. I was moving further and further away from the goal of being more active, and losing weight to live a longer happy life. I began looking at gastric bypass websites. I joined a gastric bypass group on Facebook. Oh I recommend doing what I did. When you read what people go through who take that route…TRUST and BELIEVE, it was a scared straight situation! No. I wasn’t going that route.

So what to do…what to do. In the end, I decided to stop listening to my doctor. NOT my advice to all of you. But it worked for me. “Defiance”, remember? I remembered what my physical therapists used to say. They were, of course, following the surgeon’s instructions, but they were very overt that recovery would come from movement; not from being sedentary. So – with all the things I didn’t know, there was one thing I DID know. I had to Move. But how to do it? What to do when the only kind of movement I was ever good at was r.u.n.n.i.n.g.….and that was the one kind of movement I could NOT do??

One weekend, while I was sitting on my @ss on the couch watching tv, reading Facebook …… (so freaking ironic).. I came across a post in the local FB community “21043 Happenings”. And it changed my life. For real. I know a lot of people say that a lot for things that are a lot less than “LIFE CHANGING” ….but listen up, this one if for reals.

I met David.

And what happened next, was it. I was about to MOVE.

Much much more tomorrow.

Ciao for now…..Diane

Sometimes your goals….aren’t your goals

Sometimes your goals….aren’t your goals

Did you know that “Ciao” means both hello and goodbye in Italian? Never more important than today. Ciao for now friends!

When I logged on today…I still remembered my password. Success #1. But then, wow….I saw in black and white that I abandoned this blog in February 2018. Almost 2 years ago. Wow. I apologize. To you….(if you’re still out there)…and to myself. This blog, this place…this blank space that I used to fill up every day…was/IS so important to me. I’ve worked out a lot of emotions, questions, struggles, fears in this place. Well. No lamenting what Never Was. The present is a gift, so here we go. Forward On.

I had an epiphany just now, in my closet…and it drove me back here. Yeah..gotta take those moments as the gifts that they are. So — here’s what happened.

Peter and I are going on a cruise in April. We are in the midst of winter here in Maryland, so my mind is craving thoughts of warmth, sunshine, ocean, water, swimming…. Add to this that I’ve been cleaning out my closet little by little. Donating clothes that are too big, and trying on things from 7 YEARS AGO that never fit until now with TAGS STILL ON. Yeah, I know. I’ll tell you all about it. There’s a lot to catch you up on. Anyway, back in my closet… I reach for this swimsuit. It’s a 2-piece. SAY WHAT?? Yeah. I must have been on a runner’s high when I ordered that online 7 YEARS AGO! (had to say that again….dreams die hard, ya know. 7 years to hold onto something).

I held it in my hand…those 2 little pieces. Size 16, not sooo little LOL, but little for this former PLUS size girl….and then it happened. There I was stripping off my jeans and putting it on. What was going through my head? So much. Everything. All the old thoughts. The ones I thought I had killed. The torturous words that twist me round and round all the time….”So Diane, we have 3 more months. Only 3 months girl. Maybe we can tighten up our plan, work out more, eat less….lose f.a.s.t.e.r….and maybe, we can fit into that suit for the cruise…in April….t.h.i.s. A.p.r.i.l. …maybe... Right? “

So I’m scared. How tight is it gonna be? How much blubber is going to spill over? Is April enough time? Is .. there.. ever.. enough.. time? I’m scared.

So….I try it on. And.

Uh

IT GOES ON.

Like, it slides right on, and it fits. No, no..I mean…that 2 piece suit from 7 YEARS GO, with the TAGS STILL ON…it went on my body. MY body. MINE.

I called Peter. I called my daughters. We stood there in our bedroom looking at me. In this swimsuit. Debating if I could actually wear this in public. You know…out in the world, where other people are. Like, where YOU are. LMAO.

So. In conclusion, it fits. The swimsuit I bought all those years ago, that has been in a bin since I bought it. I packed it and moved it to to Maryland from New Jersey. I’ve thought about IT, before, during and after every vacation I’ve ever taken in the past 7 years – the time in between when I first pulled it out of its package in the mail to…well, today. It’s been a powerful , d.u.m.b. piece of lycra, or nylon or whatever the f*** it’s made of, material.

But today…..it became so, well….unimportant. It wasn’t a balloon bursting. It was more like a balloon that was full when you went to bed, and flat on the floor like a crumpled scrap in the morning. There was my Dream Swimsuit….like a deflated balloon on the floor of my bedroom. YOU’RE Not So Scary. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!. Well….not anymore, anyway.

Because today is January 19th. Jan-u-f***-ary. And I’m going on a cruise in APRIL. Girl….YOU ARE GOING TO NEED A NEW SWIMSUIT! IN AN EVEN SMALLER SIZE. [KA-BOOM – MIND BLOWN].

Oh its so d@mn good my mind is blown. Because my mind has been my enemy most of my life….well, maybe only when it comes to my weight. And my belief in myself. But hold on Diane, did you really just use the word “only” in that last sentence? There is nothing “o-n-l-y” about ones BELIEF in oneself. Its not ONLY. It’s EVERY. as in EVERY THING.

So really….today, I realized…my goals are not my goals. What my mind has t.h.o.u.g.h.t. about where I am going…is not where I am going. All these years, in my head….I t.h.o.u.g.h.t. I was going to the place where I would wear that swimsuit, and be happy. I would be THERE. Whereever THERE was. At the END of whatever journey I have been on all-my-life! That’s where I t.h.o.u.g.h.t. I was going. But truly…I’m there. I’m already there. Right now. There is.., …here.

But H.E.R.E. is not a destination. H.E.R.E. is just a place for now. A Stop on the way. A dot on the board. A transitory moment in life. And what’s more amazing is……it wasn’t hard to get here. Back when I was “back there“…dreaming about “getting here“….”here” seemed like THE BEST and MOST UNATTAINABLE Place To Go.” It was so scary to think I might never “Get Here“, and I beat myself up so hard! So hard. So f***ing incredibly hard. And to realize now….that my goal is so much bigger than the scary place I dreamed up in my head. One day…not too far from today. “Here“, will be “back there!” Right? Right? MIND BLOWN AGAIN.

I feel so strong right now. I feel ready. Ready to go where I’m going. Ready to go, even though I have No Idea Where I’m Going. And I’m not going to run there. Nope. No more running. Not anymore. I’m not in a hurry. Who wants to rush through their life anyway? Not me. Not anymore. I’m going to go one-day-at-a time. I’m going to live. I’m going to LIVE my life “HERE”. Because HERE is a gift.

So come back tomorrow, and I will too. And I’ll tell you more about what’s been going on. I don’t know what’s going to happen. And for once, THAT is a very freeing feeling. Because if I don’t KNOW where I’m going, then I can’t DOUBT my ability to get there. How’s That for Freedom from The Mind!

Only one thing is for certain….This Girl Is Gonna Be Buying a New Swimsuit for April. #Happy #2020TheYearOfMe

Ciao and Ciao for now.!…Diane

Relentless Pursuit of Forward Momentum – 2018

Relentless Pursuit of Forward Momentum – 2018

An extra day off – President’s Day – seemed like the right day to start a.g.a.i.n.   So, I’ve entirely accepted, that I am one of those people, for whom weight will be a lifetime pursuit.  I’ve spent the greater part of my 52 years focused on that.  Lamenting that.  HATING THAT.   This year, I’m trying to commit to saying – F* THAT — and begin the second half of my adult life on a new pursuit.

The Relentless Pursuit of Forward Momentum!


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I’m walking myself to a habit….of living

I’m walking myself to a habit….of living

It’s been a week and I’m still walking every night – walking until my fitbit sings my praises.  <Blinkity blink, buzzy buzzer, huffity-puffity…you made your goal….you’re not a loser today!!> . Yea, I know, sorry that I sound kinda pessimistic there.  I don’t really feel that way….but I’m at that beginning phase of something new….where it feels like w.o.r.k. every second of every step.  But hey, when you invest in one of those step counters, one of those activity trackers, one of those “monkey on your back” devices that sits on your wrist or hangs from your bra strap — the PRESSURE GOES UP ….every day….e.v.e.r.y. d.a.y.  to achieve that goal.  And…hey ….  That’s a lot of days.

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Visit from an old friend…

Visit from an old friend…

Facebook.  How did we ever live without it?  You can take your feelings and emotions there and find someone or something to connect to, almost instantaneously.

My Realtime friend Rich posted something about …How badly do you want it??  He’s often a catalyst for thought in what he posts to Facebook.  He’s often put a smile on my face or a curiosity in my brain…and a fire in my belly.

well, yesterday my response to Rich came from the doldrums of my rock bottom.  “Not enough obviously…I am my own worst enemy” was my answer.

As Rich is prone to do, he reaches down into his friendship bag of tricks and uses strengths to build up the  people he knows and loves.

Rich: “Remember Di…you are the girl who ran 26.2”

Me:  “I don’t even know that girl anymore…she’s a stranger”

Rich:  “Well, invite her over for a cup of coffee, black”. With a smiley face.

I carried Rich with me all day yesterday.  When I got home, after dinner with my husband…I put on my sneakers and went for a long walk with an old friend.  A certain fierce girl that I haven’t seen in a really long time.

We walked.  Sometimes embarrassingly slow.  We didn’t run.  I didn’t kid myself, and she didn’t shame me.  We walked, and my Fitbit rewarded me.

I want to run!!!  I was screaming inside as I wiped sweat from my brow and huffed and puffed my way back home.  But she whispered to me…Di, you gotta walk before you can run…and I’m here for you…the whole way.  26.2 and beyond!  Just like before.

Thank you Realtime friend….so much.

Ciao for now…

Diane

#JoyRising – back to the burbs!

#JoyRising – back to the burbs!

Today we begin our move out of Baltimore City.

Our new home in Ellicott City, MD will finish sometime in February.  Until then we have decided to move out of our city apartment and into another temporary apartment closer to my work in Owings Mills.   We’re all packed.  We’re travelling light, but it’s still ALOT of work to move — no matter how simple you try to keep your life while in transition.

By tomorrow night, New Year’s Eve – we will be settled back in the burbs for our last (hopefully) temporary nest.  After this — the next stop —- H.O.M.E.  <3

#JOYRISING

Ciao for now….Diane